Feels like...

anxiety. That is what I recognise this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach as, it makes me feel kinda jumpy, sorta sick. Why the anxiety?

Elliot leaves tomorrow for approximately 2 weeks with my mother and his cousin for a holiday in the Atherton Tablelands. It's a long long way away from me and I haven't been separated from him for this long by this type of distance for three years. The last time, my sister took him to visit my mother three years ago, I am pretty sure I felt exactly the same way then.

I think it may be part of the controlling features of my nature that makes me worry about him going even though I know my mother is the best carer in the world, yet... I guess it's also the mothering instinct in me. Being separated from my young I am just not used to it for more than 24 hours.

The other source of my anxiety is Gabriella. P and I decided from tomorrow evening no more breast feeding it's finished, finito, over. It is going to be so hard to do. I can't believe how much she enjoys it , but it is taking a real toll on me. I mainly feed her during the night, which means broken sleep EVERY SINGLE night. I need to claim my nights back so I can have some me time the next day. I really want no, need to get up for me and start walking again. At the moment I just don't have the energy.

So, the plan is I will be getting some sleep in the third bedroom at the other end of the house while P will settle her every time she wakes for the next few nights. How many nights do I think it will take? My guess is Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night. By Sunday night I am hoping we have success and that Monday morning I will be up for a half an hour walk before breakfast.

I am so emotionally divided by what we are about to embark on, the end of breastfeeding my final baby and putting an end to something that Gabriella gets so much comfort and joy from. On the other hand I know that psychologically I will be able to function on an entirely better level if we can do it.

Fingers crossed.


At 12:56 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...



At 8:42 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck with this!

We have just moved to a bottle of formula at night to push Nell through without breast feeds until morning. Even giving her that bottle has given me a tiny bit of grief for my mothering self. That's another stage of babyhood over (a big part of me is celebrating because it means that I am no longer on duty at night so in theory I should start to sleep through any day now!). I am still breast feeding during the day (ie 5am - 7pm) and while I know that I will think better when I stop, I don't look forward to finishing up just yet.

You have breast fed for over a year which is excellent going by anyone's standards.

Hope it all goes well


At 9:50 pm, Blogger Zoe said...

I've just weaned Sage, who was 2 in October. I weaned him before Christmas, but he got very ill with vomiting and diahorrea and I still had milk.

A couple of weeks after gently doing it again, I still do.

He is still very keen to feed. He knows (ie, has been taught) that breastfeeding is for babies and he is a "Big Boy" now. But he still pats them, and has just stopped falling asleep at night holding my right nipple - only because I stopped him.

It is a fantastic and marvellous thing to be able to breastfeed, but there comes a time when you need to be able to carve out some territory for you. Like a good night's sleep and your tits.

You've done a fantastic job, and should be proud. I'm proud of what I did. Part of me looks at him and sees in my mind's eye that little face, eyes closed, blissed out, sucking. But it was time for it to finish Hopefully soon the outrageous clinginess will pass as well! (I think it's partly a reaction to weaning)


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