Fame or celebrity is it for me or you?

Things appear to be going haywire over at Dooce's site where her appeal is being given some more mainstream attention. I read her site regularly and occasionally the urge takes me and I leave a comment but I don't consider myself a dooceling as such, not that being one is a bad thing it's just not for me.

It made me think about what if, what if I were outed about my site and somebody wanted to interview me, would I do it? I don't think so, but I guess I would have to wait and see because it's only speculation until it actually happens. Why wouldn't I like mainstream attention? The answer lies in the paradox about me, while I have an on-line journal I am also a very reserved person.

I recently read one of Mimi Smartypant's recent posts which gave me cause for thought about the desire or otherwise of celebrity based upon one's having a blog. I liked how blase she appeared to be, though she admitted that she wouldn't avoid it either and cajoled the readers to agree that we like her, would not put down that phone from some Hollywood type without a "Uh, okay." Me, I would like think that I would put down that phone based on the way I have been living my life to date.

This doesn't mean that I have had opportunities before me anything like the ones that are before Dooce or Mimi right now, and turned them down, it's just that I think the desire or need for attention from the masses has to have been something you might have considered since you were a kid, when you first caught glimpses of some celebrity's life and thought I wish.......

I came to terms along time ago with whether I desired celebrity or fame and I decided that I am a strictly behind the scenes kind of gal. Once I remember eating a hotdog in a newly opened shop in Brisbane many, many, years ago and a film crew came in and took some shots. I really wanted to get up and leave but thought, no I will stay and keep my head turned. After they finished filming, one of the guys, the director I think, came up and gave me a card and said I should contact them for work. I never did.

Over the years there have been a couple of weirdos men approach me for work in front of a camera but again I felt much too self-conscious about being a focal point of attention. I can only put it down to my having something interesting about my features that might have appealed as I am too short and definitely not the right shape to have ever been a clothes horse.

Maybe I could have had a shot at acting except I am painfully camera shy and most likely a shocking actor I have never even tried to do it. I always remember some feedback I received about my public speaking in high school when I was 16, the vice-principal came and listened and gave the feedback to me in front of the entire class.

Again, paradoxically, while I hated and still hate to be the centre of attention I decided I had to make myself do the one thing I most detest and that is public speaking. So I would often volunteer to public speak and debate and it put me in good stead later when I had to speak in court and at meetings and give presentations. It's advice I now give to all kids about learning to public speak because there is always a time somewhere, someday when your going to be asked to present, whether it be work, or socially, it's difficult to avoid having to talk and be the centre of attention in some aspect of your life.

Anyway, back to what the vice-principal had to say about me, he said that because of my looks people will always be interested in what I have to say, and that I spoke too fast (still do).

I then took what he said and turned it into something I could live by which is, be careful with what I say because people are watching and
if I don't have anything intelligent to offer than don't say it. It's better to remain quiet and thought intelligent then open your mouth and prove them wrong.

To me, having my photograph taken is a painful and tedious process and I am way too critical about the result so if anything I actively avoid the camera. Lately I have been taking some photographs with myself and the children, otherwise in twenty years or so they will wonder if I was really here with them at all. I love the digital-age though any photograph that doesn't meet my standards, a press of a button and it is instantly deleted forever.

So apart from the exposure of my physical person with the celebrity, the other thing I would abhor about attention from the masses, is the intense scrutiny of your every decision by everyone. I see Dooce crack under the strain of it sometimes and I think, poor Dooce. Thank God, I have this teeny, tiny site with a small selection of people whom I admire coming back to see how we are doing and anyone else say like yesterday (when I got a huge number of hits from different first time visitors) if they don't read or see what they like they move on straight away.

I don't want need to be read by the masses, I would like my journal to be commensurate with the way I have always lived my life, by finding and being found by those people with whom I have the most in common. So I hope that if opportunity ever comes-a-knocking I hope I have the courage of my convictions and will just say:

"No, not for me I am happy with this life just the way it is."